Almost Ladies

August 9, 2008

Because of you.

Filed under: personal — Tags: — almostladies @ 4:54 pm
Because of You – Ne-yo

Few hours ago, I was out with the bestie and her group of friends for dinner and karaoke. I had a real nice time! Thank you for asking me along! xx

While we were walking along the streets, I felt that something was different. The cold air was the only thing familiar. I remembered times when I was as cold as I was and then it came to me. The people. I am not saying that these people are not good company (In fact I don’t know how long it has been since I laughed so much not in front of a pc!) but its just.. different. When I am with the other group of people, there is like a boundary between me and them; sure on the surface I got along fine and in some cases better than how I did tonight but there is that gap there like I’ll always be the different one. Maybe its because of the communication or maybe its because of the way of living/thinking/socializing/attitude but tonight I actually felt at ease; like I was actually there. I tend to study people before I do anything and more often than not, when I do that, a lot of people just let me be and hence the gap. But tonight was kinda different. But I have to say thou, I kinda missed the ‘old times’.

This month should have been the 11th month.

I still do think about M every day; I wish I did not thou. Its hard. Very hard. I trust how I read people and well, I sincerely do think that I was right for giving this a go. I think that one of the reasons its harder than its supposed to be is because there is still so much hope. And that I do not think that I’ve exhausted all that I’ve got to try and make it work. The only reason it ended is because I refused to let anyone treat me the way he did. But I guess I deserved it; I did wrong too. ‘If he could tolerate so much from me why cant I do the same?’ Hypocritical much?

It still hurts. So very much. And it seems to be getting harder and harder as days go by. I cant help but wonder where he is, what he is up to, how is he doing. I cant help but really wish I could just pick up my phone and text/call him. But will knowing how he is doing be enough? Will him replying my text be sufficient?

I sometimes wonder as well; Do I miss him or the idea of him?

And the answer’s always the same.

We talked about it before and agreed that we can never be friends even if it did not happen. As many subtle qualities about him that I do not like, there are even more that I just fell in ‘love’‘ with the instant I discovered them. Being with him is like being on a sugar high in a bubble; I want to do so much, say so much but I am scared of ruining ‘the moment’; if you get what I mean. Yes, there’s just so much about him that I just loved.

But on the other hand, you do not have any idea how much I hate myself now. The me before is no where to be found. I’m so sick of thinking, wishing, hoping. I am sick of reminiscing, wondering about the what if’s/could be’s. I am just so fucking tired of being bombarded with thoughts relevant to him. ‘Mind over matter’; I can safely say its easier said than done. I could starve myself for a week to lose weight but I just cannot do this! Do you know how that feels like?

There’s just so much; too much; that had yet to be done. Plans were left unfulfilled. Hopes was left hanging. I am just not satisfied with this at all.

I’m really very thankful that it happened. But I wanted more.

And maybe, just maybe, some parts of me still do.

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